Splatter Pattern

I don't know what Judes uses to coat these toilet bowls...I just had a CSI size splatter pattern...one flush and the water rinsed it all off the bowl!  Awesome!  -- Joe

Merry Christmas

1) You cut a hole in the box 2) You put your junk in the box 3) Make her open the box...IT'S A DICK IN THE BOX!!!  -- Joe

Zip Line

I would snap that shit like a twig...I might even licka dat shit...dyou got lobstas?  That shit is good! -- Joe

Tune-up

Getting the 60K mile tune-up...mooooooon riiiiivvver!  It's a buck for every 100 miles.  -- Joe

It could be worse...

I was cruising through the TV Guide channel and came across a show title "Transgendered and Pregnant" Next time you think YOUR life sucks...!  -- Joe

Cobra

I just crapped a 6 foot long cobra...coiled and ready to strike!  Have been plugged up all week...feeling better though thanks for asking.  When is the poo parade?  -- Joe

Hermey

I think the dentist kid is like Brandon...GAY!  -- Joe

Useless

Well aren't you as useless as a shit flavored lollipop!  -- Joe

Turning Gay Pt. 2

I think Sangria is Spanish for "Demasculanizing neutralizer of testosterone" HOLY SHIT this is what Brandon feels like every day...without pink juice...that FAG!  -- Joe

Turning Gay

I'm on my third pink drink...football has turned into the 80's music station...I find myself doing laundry, dusting and contemplating doing my toenails...  -- Joe

Called Out

Trying one of those sissy ass Bicardi drinks...Sangria.  Two down sides, 1) I can't taste it because I'm sick 2) The bag boy called me out on buying it...no shit.  -- Joe

George Michael

Has anyone realized when George Michael wrote the song "I WANT YOUR SEX" he's was not at all addressing chicks?  I'm slightly disturbed...I need help!  -- Joe

New York Seltzers

Do you guys remember New York Seltzers?  The blueberry ones were the bomb.  Has it ever occurred to you that we were drinking the best mixers on earth without the booze?  -- Joe

Sting Ring

Have Cherie pick you up a box of Otter Pops...use Cienna's ass wipes and buttpaste!  What the hell did you eat?  -- Joe

Cousin's Wedding

I'm in St. Louis for my cousin's wedding...was HAMMERED at the rehersal and accidentally smart-assed the priest!  -- Joe

Day Off

There is just something so magical about listening to Freebird...in the airport...while the little bastards are on their way to school!  -- Joe

Chili Fart

I think that the gas from the chili is coming out of my pores...I'm like a walking cloud of fart smell...soooooo gross.  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 8

Situation report:  Attack and capture of rats has taken the night off.  Zero kills or captures and attack by ants was squelched when I hosed the biggest damn Ho Chi Minh trail of ants I have ever seen with ant spray!  It was AWESOME!!!  Maximum kills, minimum effort.  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 7

Damn VC rats...I can't kill them now...it's light out and he can see me...he looked right at me...poor little f'er...I heard rats are cannibals.  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 6

Moral dilema.  The A-Team has a hostage.  A rat on the glue trap is very alive do I...a) kill it with a shovel or b) use it as bait for other rats tonight.  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 5

Faceman got another one...those alligator traps are brutal!  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 4

Well it looks like Murdock got one!  A little baby mouse on a glue trap...gonna leave him for the morning.  On the flip side...the other glue trap was gone!  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 3

I am dealing with VIET CON rats.  They picked 4 out of the 6 traps clean without setting off a single one...they may have won the battle but I WILL WIN THE WAR.  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 2

It appears as though the rats have overrun my tomato fortified positions...rat's 3, me none.  I am going to get some of those clamp traps and use tomatoes tomorrow.  -- Joe

War on Rats Pt. 1

Besides a shit show...I have rats eating my tomatoes.  I killed one earlier today.  I have setup kill zones Alpha through Foxtrot...3 tomatoes and 3 peanut butter  -- Joe

New Tires Cont.

I shit you not...I am watching an old student from basic Geometry putting the tires together and onto my truck.  That comes after basic alg...he didn't do well.  -- Joe

New Tires

Getting new tires is like a colonoscopy, painful at first, but you are glad you did it...$1,300 later.  There is a National backorder on the ones I wanted too.  -- Joe

Poop

I just crapped a softball that smelled like Nacho cheese.  -- Joe

Sunscreen

Raise your hand if you are floating naked as a Jay Bird on an innertube in the pool and drinking a big ass cup of Tecate...sunscreen in the pee-hole burns!  -- Joe

Brandon's Crap Pt. 6

Seriously!!! -- Brandon

Brandon's Crap Pt. 5

My head may hit the ceiling if this pile gets any higher.  -- Brandon

Brandon's Crap Pt. 4

If I do make it out, don't make it awkward.  -- Brandon

Brandon's Crap Pt. 3

If I don't make it out of here, I want u to know that I always love u  -- Brandon

Brandon's Crap Pt. 2

Clothes are off -- Brandon

Brandon's Crap

Mississippi burnin -- Brandon

Soccer

He said "Wide open player in the box"  hehehehehe  -- Joe

HELP

Pray for me...I am fucking scared...this chick drives like shiiiiiiit.  I remember this from last time...I'm going to get shanked...or sold as a sex slave...  -- Joe

Shit

Going to Roscoe's...1 am...Jeezus fucking christ...why didn't I leave with you and get the fucking truck in the morning...Sandra's friend has a BF...great  -- Joe

Hollywood Park

You ever seen Wedding Crashers?  Brandon is Will Ferrell..."Hey MA!  Make me some meatloaf...MMMMAAAA!  Pancakes!  He's gives directions as worse as he drives.  -- Joe

Brandon's BBQ

Brandon says get your ass over here for burgers...he just dropped $1,500 on a grill.  It smells like shit and is blowing ash like the Holocaust...awesome!  -- Joe

Skinny Dipping

Eat a dick...I am hungover...got the 2 interns to go skinny dipping.  One kept flashing me...thought it was on until it was on, grabs her keys and leaves!  -- Joe

Cake Flavored Ice Cream

Thanks dick breath!  Cake flavored ice cream is the worst flavor ever!  You recommended it!  I think you should have to try Taint flavored frozen yogurt.  --Joe

Would you Rather...?

Would you rather let Stumpy strap on a huge black dong and sodomize you (time unknown) or drink a quart of horse jizz?  --Joe

WTF?

What do I look like the favorites tab?  Just type in Firepit in Google.  --Joe

TOP GUN

You know you are old when every plane in TOP GUN has been retired from the US NAVY...as in every type no longer lands on aircraft carriers...none even fly!!!  --Joe

Valentines Day 2009...Again

I'm telling Cherie you are texting!  We made ribeye's, drank morgan 100 proof and watched Swingers to get geared up for tonight.  Lycus says "Scoop um up 2nite"  --Joe

Valentines Day 2009

We looked online for  your score...who won?  We also noticed Togo's stock went down today...did we not stop after soccer?  We are going to hang out with 6 chicks who all want Brandon's nuts...it's going to be great!  --Joe

Freebird

So apparently our truck radios only go to 55...but Freebird sounds AWESOME!  --Joe