Friday, October 29, 2010

Random Fucking List Cont.

P-51 mustang
A submarine (that has torpedos)
50 Cal. Sniper Rifle (Barret)
A gorgeous masseuse (female of course) who believes that every massage should have a happy ending
Topless maid/pornstar/cook
A hand held death ray laser
Mini landmines (again for rats and possums)
Regular landmine (solicitors)


Random Fucking List Cont.

Wrecking ball
Light Saber


Random Fucking List Cont.

One of those fire ladder trucks with the guy driving in the back

And I second Megan fox tits and Jessica alba's tits and raise it Pam anderson's pussy which is entirely unfair because everyone else has played with it.   --Matt W

Random Fucking List Cont.

Oversize dump-truck that they use at mines
Jet...fighter or otherwise
Personal Aircraft Carrier
Anything molten
Nail gun with laser scope on it.


Random Fucking List Cont.

Megan Fox's tits
Jessica Alba's tits


Random Fucking List

This week's random fucking list is "things I will probably never get to play with."

Feel free to chime in. I will compile a list of my 25 favorites (why do I get to chose...'cause its MY fucking list, bitch) and send it in for posting on the blog.

Wood chipper
Flame Thrower
Gatling Gun


Toilet Tunes Cont.

That's gross.  But, if that was the case, this dude has some serious control of his rectal muscles.  TuPac coming out the ass.  --Eric

Toilet Tunes Cont.

Are you sure? It wasn't just really rhythmatic farting?  --Matt

Toilet Tunes

Just finished taking a shit. Dude next to me was beatboxing.

Not sure what to say here.


Big Bear

For those of you who did not know, today was my sisters birthday. All she wanted to do was to have breakfast with her friends and go up to Big Bear and go mountain biking. I showed up as she was finishing the dishes, breakfast had been a success. Her sidekick, Amy, was a no show at breakfast, we waited about 45 minutes while I haased down the leftovers, and we decided"Fuck it, let's go" and off we set. We made it to BB in about two and a half hours. On the way up the mountain, she was driving like she went to the same driving school as Brandon...I was hitting the oh shit break every 15 seconds as she would zoom up on peoples asses, and then curse them for driving slow. Mind you we were going up a fucking mountain, and yes I see the irony in me being the one bringing this to your alls attention.

We get to the bike place right at the base of BB and the guy asks a silly question, "hard tail or full suspension?" Julie looks at me and then without missing a beat blurts out "Full suspension". We get set up with these sweet ass Trek bikes, helmets, the whole 9. We head up the hill on the bikes, leaving the car at the shop. By the time we get to the lodge, we are both pooped, but figured out the shifting of gears and what not. At the lift, we go to purchase our tickets, and BB is free on your birthday! Julie's $25 lift ticket was free. I paid $12 because we didn't know how long it would take us to get down and the lifts close at was about 2, so I paid for a single trip and then could upgrade later. Last time she had been there, she and Amy had gone up some crazy ass hill and then it took them 2 hours to get down. When we got off the lift, which was a fucking trip to walk off of a ski lift, we decided, well you went right last time, lets go left. If you know anything about BB the black diamonds and double blacks are this way...totally forgot this little fact. We ended up on a single track that was FUCKING INSANE. Julie wiped out 3 times before we were halfway down. I went down twice. I was riding the back break and some of the drops were so steep that I went over the handle was a warm day and my cockles missed the tube that connects the handlebars to the bike by mere millimeters. Another time I was going through a rotted log, caught the pedal and ended up dismounting the bike as it skidded out from under me. Then there were the serious bikers that were flying down this insanity at mach 3 with full on face protected motorcycle helmets and they were wrapped up like one of the fucking mythbusters. They were fun to get out of the way of. It was a hell of a lot of fun, but just fucking CRAZY!

We eventually got down the mountain, and decided let's go again. So as we pull up to the chairlift, I am bullshitting with the operator who was missing half of his fucking ear, and he advised me to go back to the bike shop and get my back tire looked at. When he asked where we had been, and I told him, he said "I would hate to see you get up on top of the mountain and get stuck." Remember this line. We go to the shop, the guys swap out the tire with a fresh one and off we go. Get to the lift, they wave my 12 bucks and get us on our way. The lift guy set us up with an awesome series of fire road trails that would be much more our speed. We get to the top, head right, blow by some people and are hauling ass....then I realize, I have no back breaks. They are hydraulic disc fucking brakes, and I know they worked earlier. I end up stopping carefully with the front brake hop off and start to look at the brake mechanism. I am fucking around with the brake, and then I get the bright idea to dust off the disc...that was awesome. It was so hot, that I didn't even feel the heat, I did however see the white smoke coming off from under my FINGERS. That was even more awesome, or the fact that the edge of the disc melted right through the skin of my first joint of my pointer finger or that I could feel the layers of skin slip against each other. I now have these really cool blisters in the shape of the holes of the disc brakes on my thumb, my pointer finger and my middle finger on my right hand...writing on the board will be way fun. By this time, it's 3:30, lift closes at 5, shop closes at 6. We are too far down to walk up, oh did I forget to mention that the brake had completely SEIZED. The back tire couldn't move...not at all. There was no release lever or anyways. We couldn't walk up, we decided I would run it down dragging the back tire as we went. I kept taking a pedal to just above my knee...even more awesome is the bruise and the bloody marks I now have. After about a mile or so, we stopped some guys coming up the trail. They had a wrench and disassembled the rear brake. "In all my years riding, I have never seen anything like this" so they already think I am a tard. Then I blurt out, "I burned my fingers trying to look for a release lever." both guys stop, and look at me and say, "Yeah, brakes can get hot." SO I coasted down the hill using only the front brake. I would ride for 5 and walk for 5 because I didn't want the front brake to seize also...we would really be fucked.

We finally make it to the bike shop, and as we pull up the same dipshits who changed the tire ask "How was it?" Julie responds, "Oh we had some problems" They respond with, "I am sure, it occurred to us after you left that we put a tire from a smaller frame on the bike, and they have different sized calipers. When we called the lift to stop you, you had already gone." I showed them my fingers and recounted the story. One of the kids comes in, I guess he was the manager, and tells the guy behind the desk to only charge us for 2 hours for each bike. Now I had kept my cool pretty well with the situation for the most part. Came a little unglued at the thought of spending the night on the mountain, or at the thought of having the shop close and being stuck with two fucking bicycles and Julies car. At this point, I turn to the guy behind the desk and ask "I burned the shit out of my hand because your bike broke and you want to charge me for being forced to run it a mile or so, and have some stranger MacGyver the fucking thing so I could make it down. Are you serious?" Whole nother run around, but we got the bikes free for the day. In the end, we ended up spending 12 bucks total. On the way out of town, stopped for a fountain drink so I could hold onto something cold because my fingers kind of hurt and Julie decides she wants beef jerky. At the checkstand, the total comes to 17 bucks...she managed to grab a 16 dollar bag of fucking jerky! Jesus Christ was that the best jerky ever!  --Joe

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"What other ways can u get herpes?"  --Matt W

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"So I'm fucking this guy right..."  --Mark

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

Get yourself one of those large AZ iced teas (or a tall boy), put it in a paper bag, pop that boy open when you get in the elevator, and say, man I hate this job.  --Eric

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"My dick still looks like a barber pole!"  --Joe

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

On the phone with ur friend u say "fucking a virgin is great I love it when they scream."  --Matt W

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"Have you ever used one of those self enema kits?"  --Eric

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"So if you eat pineapple, your jizz tastes like pineapple the next day. So if I gave a blowjob yesterday, what do you think my jizz would taste like today? I mean...I'm just know what, just forget I asked."  --Joe

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

While talking on the cell..."yeah, then she totally rammed her finger up my ass while we were having sex. What the fuck?"  --Eric

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

Get into the elevator with ur hand down between ur ass checks and give urself a dirty sanchez before anyone says a thing

--Matt W

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"Hey, I have this itch in the middle of my back I can't reach...can you help me out? Lower, lower, lower....lower....lower"  --Joe

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"How many times a day do you think 'my friend' can masturbate before its considered 'too many?'"

"I hope this thing moves fast. I just felt a shifter."


Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"If I ate asparagus last night, could shooting a load in my woman's eye this morning make her blind?"

"How many of pounds of leafy greens do you think it would take to make a load turn green? Just wanna be ready for St. Patricia's day!"


Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"I'm sorry to ask, but do you have a kleenex or anything? Got my red wings this morning..."  --Matt

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"Don't you hate having to shave off your mustache because your woman had crabs. I thought I just had dry skin."  --Joe

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

Get in the elevator and as the door starts to close, stick out your hand so that it opens and ask the empty doorway, "Well aren't you going up also? Jeezus I swear, you wouldn't ever get anywhere without me!" and then continue a random conversation with a non-existent person.

Answer all questions in a very LOUD VOICE....people will never ask you another question.

After someone attempts to make small talk, or better yet, while they are initiating it, offer them a breath mint

Ask the question, "Have you ever thought about how many pounds of fertilizer it would take to bring this building down?"

Get in and randomly bust out a Michael Jackson crotch grab complete with pelvis thrust while pointing to the sky with the other hand and letting out your best Michael "WOOO-HOO"

Get in with a pissed off look on your face, pull out a pair of tight leather gloves, put them on and start punching fist into open palm....all the while muttering "YOU EYEBALLIN ME???"

Ask the fellow riders, "IF you were OJ, looking back on it, how could you have done the crime and gotten away with it? My bitch...I...I mean I was just wondering."

just make the frmpf noise every time you take a step.

Act as though you are a robot complete with sounds and robotic movements.

When you get into the elevator, stand directly in front on the person, facing them, with your back to the door, put on a pair of sunglasses, and clasp your hands in front of you and act like a statue.

Ask, "how much did you have to drink this morning? my God it smells like a bar in here."

Just start chuckling, then laughing, slap your knee laughing, stop and turn to face the fellow riders and just stop.

Get in, and ask, "Have you ever gotten in your car and forgot that your kid was in their car seat on the roof? I think this is going to be a long week."

Ask, have you seen a 6 year old running around in the building? If you do can you call me at...give them a false extension...better yet, ask them if they have seen a baby in a blue car seat with a red handle...if they do have them call the extension.

Ask "Why did we stop getting the white out you could sniff and get a buzz from? My days have gone to shit since."

After they make some lame remark come back with a completely random animal question....
-Who would win in a fight, a gorilla or an ostrich?
-What's the difference between an alligator and crocodile?
-Who would win a Panda or a Grizzley?
-Is it wrong if your wife calls your dick her little koalla bear?
-Who would win in a foot race, an alpacca or a zebra?
-What is the physiological difference between a zebra and a mustang?
-Why did ford decide to produce a car and name it after a wild horse?
-How much does a mountain lion weigh?
-If you could make a mythical creature, what would it be??? Mine's the liger.
-What animal has the biggest dick?
-What truly is the difference between the African and European Swallow?


Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"Thank god for elevators. I didn't get a good wipe this morning and those stairs would have hurt."  --Matt

Elevator Small Talk Cont.

"This rash is just killing me. I don't get it she never scratched her crotch while I was with her."  --Matt W

Elevator Small Talk


I work in an office building, 6 floors. I ride the elevator everyday since I work on the 6th floor. When there are two people in the elevator there always seems to be that obligation to talk. It is usually something stupid like "Whew, its hot out there!" or "Man, only two more days til Friday." I hate those. I know its fucking hot and please, I don't need a count down about what day of the week it is.

So, I sit here pondering...what are great things to say to people in the elevator in order to avoid these lame conversations. Below are a few I came up with...please help me and provide your suggestions.

"Do you mind if I fart?"

"Whew, this heat is causing me some serious swamp ass."

(While talking on my cell) "Bitch, that ain't my kid. I pulled out.  How many times do I have to tell you?"


Thursday, September 30, 2010


Hot and muggy, periodic showers, thunder from out of nowhere...I imagine this is what my balls feel like!  Scariest environment imaginable.  -- Joe

Friday, September 17, 2010

Bottle O' Jack Pt. 4

There is no other feeling like waking up at 8:04...and your first class is at 8:15...thank god for hammered responsiblity.  I guess I put in for a sub last night...f'ing AWESOME!  Go Team!!!  -- Joe

Bottle O' Jack Pt. 3

Bottles gone -- Joe

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bottle O' Jack Pt. 2 there is 3/4 of an inch to go...hmmmm....this job sucks some times.  -- Joe

Bottle O' Jack

Two thirds of a bottle of Jack...tomorrow is going to be fun.  -- Joe

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Simple Pleasure

I just leaned left and wiped my ass!  First time since sat. morning...god have I missed the simple pleasure!  -- Joe

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I don't know about where you are at, but it is hotter and more humid than an Aboriginie's nut-sack on a fucking walk-about here!  -- Joe

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Clean Mud

I have been cleaning house since 11am.  Just cleaned all the bathrooms...didn't make it 10 steps before I ran in and sprayed mud all over the shitter.  Luckily the cleaning products were right there, cleaned it up, good to go.  Doing laundry 10 minutes later, sprint upstairs, worse mud! -- Joe

Monday, March 29, 2010


I don't think you quite appreciate my relief...imagine going in for an annual physical with a new doctor, and on shaking his hand he damn near crushes your hand with his ginormous sausage sit in fear in your back-less gown waiting for the rectal exam...picture the relief you feel when he tells you, you are done and the $5 foot long fingers never entered a single orifice of your body...i'm right there.  I almost had a celebratory beer.  -- Joe

Re Re

So not drinking blows when you go home.  I am helping Judes clean the garage...perfect occasion right?  So I strapped on my old bike helmet and started running into shit with my hand across my chest going "Arrrgghhh" thump!  I'm losing my mind!!! -- Joe

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Brandon's Dream Come True

I just told Brandon you got him a keg of Man Gravy...I bet it will have a Dildo as a pump handle!  He will be so happy!  I can hear it now... "Hey Mark, who's the guy with the plastic cock in his hand, the goofey grin and semen dripping from his chin?" -- Joe